Match reports

2013 Cousins Open, Silvermere

Sunday 26 May 2013 · Silvermere Golf Club, Weybridge · Paul's event

It’s a Sunday. Sunday the 26th May 2013 to be precise. And wow… what a sunrise headache!

Today is the second event of the 2013 (still not widely recognised by the professional golfing world) CGA Tour! Today’s venue is Silvermere golf course in Weybridge, Surrey. It’s the day after Paul’s 33rd birthday; a rather unimportant number in the possible list of birthday years. However, after over-indulging in an 8 course posh banquet and wine voyage from the night before, Paul is strangely NOT the worst for wear today! It appears that Andy was out until 1.30am… drinking, Dave was out until about 2.30am… drinking, and Joe… well, he has 3 kids and a wife to worry about so he always looks tired and hung-over!

In fact Dave hadn’t arrived just yet (he was probably still out at a local discotheque throwing Jägerbomb after Jägerbomb down his gullet). But there we were. The three “musketeers” – that’s assuming that musketeers are middle aged, tired, hungry men that have golf bats instead of swords! The only thing that stood in the way of some no doubt truly awful golf, was going to be breakfast. However, a massive, wooden, closed and locked door stood in the way of breakfast! It appears that at 7.20am not a lot is open! Never mind… off to the pro shop.

A whole 10 minutes later and “Pissy McPissed Face” (Dave) had now joined us as we confidently marched (using a bizarre, wobbly technique) to the bar to order breakfast and discuss the special “rules” of the day. These included a special “team” game using nice pink balls (I should point out these are golf balls at this stage… not sure what you were thinking!?!?). The classic game of “Andy writes down everyone’s name in a random order then we shout out a number between 1 and 4” was used to pick the pairs. It was junior musketeers versus senior musketeers! Let the battle begin…

… actually before we began, most of us needed the toilet. Joe, Andy and I used the ones to the right of the bar, right next to where we were sitting. We sent Dave to the left of the bar (where there were no toilets) who must have then acted in a style crossed between Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible, and the squirrel across the assault course from those old adverts! By all accounts he did manage to find something to pee in eventually – possibly his golf bag!

Now full of eggs, sausage and toast we wobbled back to the pro shop in search of water for the round. After trying to go in via the closed exit door of the shop, then looking around the stands like a bunch of inebriated (yet dehydrated) monkeys, we were told that you actually buy water and snacks from the little fat man in his booth next to the first tee.

“Good morning little fat man!” Was the thought that ran through my head as I walked into his little treasure trove of lucozade, snickers bars and bottles of water. After purchasing some drinks for the troops, the big friendly bear of a man proceeded to do something that really got me excited! First, he was doing that thing where you almost bite your lower lip in a facial expression of ecstasy, and then muttered the words “boys, forget Wentworth…” (the PGA tour was currently being played 10 miles down the road there), “the course here is in amazing condition today!”.

Well… all I can say after teeing off on the first (straight down the fairway I must add), is that the course at Wentworth must have been completely covered in animal sh*t! I have no idea what weird, mystical creature needs to poo that often (probably Dave), but it was everywhere! Fortunately after the first hole it all disappeared and the course really was in top, top nick (you were right little fat bear man)!

At this point I’m going to skip a few sentences, but I will quickly admit that yes… I took 15 shots on the first hole… even after that beautiful tee shot straight down the fairway!

By this stage the little pink balls (remember this is the special team game, not Dave’s genitals) had changed hands several times (again, not Dave’s genitals!). The junior musketeers of Dave and Joe (from now on known as the “muskadettes” had taken an early lead over the slower-out-of-the-blocks senior musketeers of Paul and Andy (from now on known as the “muskadudes”) – this wasn’t helped when Andy backed up Paul’s 15 shots on the first hole by taking 12 himself (can you believe that the two of them took a total of 27 shots to finish the first hold par 5!!!).

By the end of the 4th hole the muskadudes had now taken a 12 points to 11 points lead, only for the “kids” to come back by the end of the 5th leading 17 to 15. It’s fair to say that the lead, along with the little pink balls, had now swapped partners more times than Russell Brand! However, by the end of the front nine the elder cousins had taken a comfortable 29 to 23 point lead. As for the singles game… yes… our mate Mike is still single!

Actually, the golf singles game was nicely poised with both Dave and Paul on 11 points at the half way stage. Andy was on 10 points with Joe ever so miles behind with only a mere 6 (and 3 of those came in the first two holes)! It was still all to play for on the back nine… even the little pink ball game (no Dave, not your favourite game of “cock or bollock?”)

The back nine consisted of pars, bogies (Paul had a cold), blobs, tantrums, and lots of splashes! It all got very exciting by the end of the 17th hole, where by this time Andy lead on 19 points, then Paul on 18, and with Dave and Joe tied on 17. Wow, this was about as hot as a freshly cooked McDonalds Apple Pie (why are they so hot?!?!?).

It’s fair to say that the whole day was all about the last two holes – clearly someone was given the brief of “make it a little tricky with a lot of water”. The 17th was a par 3 where both Dave and Paul lost balls and failed to even have a single putt between them, both picking up. Andy and Joe scored solid 4’s for 2 points each (which had given Andy his first lead since playing Johnny in Grease in the 1990’s!).

It now meant that it was all to play for heading up the 18th. Some reasonable drives off of the tee (except Paul), had left everyone with a chance of smashing a shot over the vast expanse of water to the tiny little green next to the patio area of the clubhouse – which we should add was full of people enjoying the sunshine and some good lunch… and soon, some amazing comedy! The quiet concentration of the players for the next few moments was only broken by the same sound, over and over again. SPLASH… SPLASH… SPLASH… SPLASH!!!

Only Dave was to walk away with any dignity from this hole, scoring a well-earned 5 for 2 points. Andy, Paul and Joe all failing to register on the scoreboard. This final last effort from Dave had meant that he had tied with Andy on 19 points for the round, with Paul on 18 and Joe and 17. Sadly (and much to Dave’s frustration) he had lost first place to Andy on count-back, Andy having scored 9 points on the back 9, compared to Dave’s 8. It also left Paul (the birthday boy remember) feeling very bitter having lead for the whole of the back 9 until the 17th hole! One word… “choked”!

So what did we learn from today’s round? Don’t turn up hung-over. Don’t trust Paul for directions to the toilet. Apparently poo makes a golf course more attractive. Dave’s game of “cock or bollock” is unlikely to ever get a prime time TV slot.

Paul and Andy won the pairs game 51 points to 48, and Dave now leads the overall CGA tour by 1 point over Andy (but plays the next game off of 16 as a handicap). Good luck with that!!! ‘Till next time!!!

2012 CGA Championship, Pine Ridge

Sunday 30 September 2012 · Pine Ridge, Camberley · Dave's event

The first annual CGA Tour would draw to a close on a windy Autumn day at an excellent Pine Ridge Golf course. On the morning of the event 3 of the 4 players could still win the overall tour title and be the proud first owners of the green jacket. For Dave it was just a matter of pride, looking for his first event win (shades of pro-evo, 3 tournaments without a goal!). Little did we know what an eventful day was in store. The night before the event the players would meet for a pre-game Pizza at the local Chinese, the tour favourite Paul was clearly a little upset as the other 3 players tried to put him off his game. What Paul didn’t know is that Joe, Andy and Dave met at the driving range at 10am the next day for a little practice before the start of the days play, I wish I could see his face as he reads this. Club sandwiches all round, Paul arriving on central European time ala Rory Mcilroy and the event was ready to begin.

Joe took to the first tee as the previous tournament winner, a crowd of 5 at the starters hut. A huge swing and the practice from the morning clearly paid off as he sent the ball high and wild into the trees… the Championship was under way, at least until the second tee where the cast of the only way is Camberley were queuing up to take their shots. This was the story of the first few holes as Andy and Dave took a one shot lead over Paul and Joe was putting in some extra leg work zig zagging across the fairways. Fortunately play would speed up for the rest of the front nine, Joe struggled to find his tournament winning form, Paul striking the ball as clean as anyone just in the wrong direction (don’t let him tell you he has a Handicap disadvantage) and some surprising consistency from Dave and Andy, in fact if Andy had practiced his chipping in the morning he would have had a big lead at the half way hut.

Front nine completed, snickers all round and some calculations – this is where the fun started! Andy and Dave tied for the lead and Paul some shots back with a slight lead on Joe, between the four great minds we worked out that if Andy won the tournament Paul would have to come at least second to win the overall title, suddenly he needed his brother Dave to find some form and was wondering if he should have given him that short put for an extra point. The game continued, Andy playing some fine golf with a typical hole going as follows…big drive, hundred yards left to the green… chip…… chip……… chip….. one put for a 5. Tension was building as we reached the dog leg 15th. Dave had taken a one shot lead and was holding off some fierce competition from Smudge, Paul opened the gap on Joe. Dave tee’d off, way right oh no a door open for Andy. HANG ON, a tree, a mighty bounce and the ball finished on the opposite side of the fairway. It was now all about Andy and Dave, Andy wanting the point to tie the scores and get overall victory on countback, Dave desperate for a trophy and hoping to help his brother achieve the tour title.

Onto the 17th an easy looking par 3 but frightening in this tight situation. Dave up first, right edge of the green with a tricky downhill chip, Andy – centre of the green putting downhill, Paul – back of the green and finding some late form. Three balls surrounding the Pin, up steps Joe… you guessed it, trees off to the left as he dismissed the pro tip. Dave would play a poor chip and ended up on the edge of the green, door open for Andy. No, Door closed a great put from Dave for a par three. Andy also with a solid 2 puts for par. We all helped Joe find his ball.

Down the last Dave still holding a one shot lead and just what none of us wanted ahead. A Par 5. Andy and Dave followed each other shot for shot and 100 yards from the green both played solid chips under pressure, Dave on the fringe close to the pin and Andy hitting the right side of the green. No one really cared what Paul and Joe were doing at this point! Andy would play a fabulous put to get down in 2 and Dave would be left with a 5 yarder for the event and to make sure Paul won the tour title, it doesn’t get better than this. Shades of Martin Kaymer in the Ryder cup except Dave missed the put by at least two holes and Andy would celebrate like a cheerleader. In to the bar for a drink, plenty of abuse and Andy leaving as Championship and Tour winner! Later that week confusion over handicaps would show Paul could have actually been the true winner and Dave won the Championship, they also proved the meaning of the universe but decided to stick with the original results and the first annual CGA tour would come to an end. Roll on 2013…

Notes: the scene of the amazing handicap balls-up.